Recently at work, we started attempting to shoe horn more 'agiley' processes into a heavily top-down command and control bureaucratic environment with waterfall ingrained heavily in their psyche. When I say 'Command and Control', I'm not joking because most or many of the folks that work where are ex-military, have children in the military (some of whom are currently serving in Iraq), or are actually reservists themselves.  This environment makes it very difficult to accomplish the level of communication and collaboration necessary to achieve deep domain understand and produce quality software.

I frequently find myself in adversarial conversations -- challenging the status quo. Some people can take some of these arguments personally (even though it's purely work related) which further contributes to communication dysfunction.  One day recently, while in one of these conversations, it dawned on me that I have had arguments and debates like this before and I had already found semi-effective ways of dealing with the heightened emotions and trying to keep the argument on-topic to avoid personal offense and hurt feelings: They're very similar to those that had with my wife when we first got married.

My wife and I fought over control of the checkbook, or who got to drive the car this day or that. At work, we're fighting over how involved the business customers need to be with the developers to achieve the required level of knowledge transfer and understanding to produce the desired (or acceptable result). But in both cases, the emotions and feelings are similar and the way of dealing with the argument is also similar. Through my trial and error, I've found the following techniques very important when dealing with highly charged situations. Some of these seem pretty obvious, but even the most calm, cool, and collective person can break down in the middle of a charged argument.  Consider these guidelines:

LISTEN!

  • In case you didn't listen to that first bullet point, I said LISTEN!
  • You have two ears, one mouth. I think someone is trying to tell you that listening is more important than talking.
  • You will NEVER understand what the person is trying to say if you don't listen.

Expectations are premeditated resentments

  • This SINGLE thought has saved my marriage several times.  I found out that the VAST MAJORITY of my arguments with my wife were because one, the other, or both of us has unrealistic expectations of the other (this goes hand in hand with the Assumption problem mentioned above). When the other inevitably didn't live up to those expectations, disappointment and eventually resentment set in -- usually because we assume they didn't do what we expected because of malice. An argument was virtually guaranteed shortly thereafter.

Assumptions start with an 'ass' followed by 'you'

  • Try not to make assumptions about what the person is doing or thinking. I know, I said, 'assume that they're good people'.  If you HAVE to make an assumption, assume the best in people until they prove to you otherwise.
  • Never rule out the fact that when someone is doing something to you that you don't like, that they may actually be doing the right thing! Which leads to the next point...

Focus on the positive 

  • Do not make snide comments or sarcastic comments about, certainly, the person you're conversing with, but also with anything related to the project/subject-at-hand. This will invariably come back to bite you and it will get back to someone who will take offense and they will make you regret that you said it (if simply by mentioning how poor it was of you to make such a nasty comment).
  • Do not dwell on past mistakes (either yours or theirs).  If these come up in the conversation, use them as an example to demonstrate that this process isn't perfect and that together, you can overcome this current problem just like you overcame the last problem.
  • Do not try to point how people have made similar mistakes or accuse them of being a hypocrite because of XYZ. Accusing someone of being a hypocrite is almost always Red Herring argument and therefore, not adding value to the debate.
  • Do not retaliate when the other person does any of these things. Tit for tat arguments will almost always descend into something very bad.
  • When in a heated, charged argument, before each statement leaves your mouth, ask yourself: Will this statement help to resolve the problem, or just make the argument more heated?
  • Do not worry about who is at fault/to blame.  Believe me, there will be plenty of opportunities and people willing to contribute their opinion to ascribe blame.
  • If someone important is forcing the blame issue, and blame must be ascribed: Martyr yourself and assume all blame, regardless of the truth.  Trust me, if you think I'm crazy, listen to this: I have used this tactic effectively. It usually serves to shut up the whole 'blame game' argument.  Two things usually happen:  People respect me more for standing up and taking ownership of the problem or they vilify me and use me as an effigy of the problem.  In the first case, it always works out better. In the second case, you need to get out of that contract/employer quickly -- this is not a place you need to work at any longer as they are too far gone and they will only drag you down with them.

Never ascribe motive

  • My favorite quote on this topic, supposedly from Napoleon:  "Never ascribe to malice, that which can adequately be explained by ignorance."
  • Ascribing motive is a form of judgement. In my experience, attempting to ascribe motive is usually the #1 cause of most arguments. People sometimes assume that someone doing something they don't like is doing it for a specific reason (usually evil reasons).  RESIST THIS TEMPTATION!  I'm willing to be that sales manager who is making your life hell is not doing it because he hates you, he's doing it because he probably thinks you're the problem and he thinks he's doing the right thing. You need to avoid the cycle of accusations and try to figure out why this person is doing what they're doing and why they believe that it will help.
  • Even if there's no other explanation, and the person really does seem to be pure evil, I would be willing to be there is some very stressful event going on in their life (sick relative, they're sick themselves, problem children, money issues, etc). Assume that they're good people put into bad situations. You might mention to their supervisor that you're concerned for this person and that there might be something going on personally that they might need help with.

Always consider the fact that it might actually be YOU that is the problem

  • It may be the case that, even though you have the best intentions and you're doing what you think is right, you may actually be mistaken and doing the worst thing. Consider Rule #1 here. By listening as much as possible, you should be able to determine this easily.
  • To assume you're always right is pride, to assume you're never wrong is arrogance. Eat some humble pie once in awhile. It doesn't taste that bad :)

Try to clear the air

  • In marriage, some of the best advice is: "Never go to bed angry." I'm sure there's some corollary for the business place (never leave work angry?). Some people, like my wife for example, cannot finish an argument right away and need time to think it over and digest all that was said and process the emotions. This is, of course, perfectly normal and just the way that some personalities work. Regardless of the time it takes everyone to reach and understanding the argument, make that that everyone is in agreement that the argument is over and bring some sort of closure to it.

 

These are the first things that came to mind and is, by no means, a comprehensive list. But the Assumptions and Expectations points are very important, supported by all the others